I Lack Social Grace
I'm reposting this piece from The Hungry newsletter because I wrote it and I can do what I want.
It's early Autumn in Austin, TX, and I'm walking through the door of a downtown coffee house to meet a friend. Truthfully, I consider them more of an enemy combatant because I wasn’t there to socialize. I was there to fight for my life. It's relatively quiet on 6th Street at 7 pm on a Wednesday, and I soon may be the loudest person on the street.
I'm meeting Vo Nguyen, an intelligent, young professional I met at the soul-stealing direct marketing job. The only thing that made the job bearable was the people I befriended, Vo being one of them, although I always felt a small divide between us.
Over time, through gatherings and get-togethers, those work friends met my girlfriend. Vo and a few other women embraced her, bringing her within the fold of their sisterhood, which eventually would lead to the demise of our relationship.
I was 25 at the time, and while others were living their best life, I often felt mentally and socially stunted compared to others, although I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that at the time. Too blind to my own wants and needs, I didn’t carry much empathy for others. I also had a big mouth that got me in trouble many times (and still does on occasion).
One evening, my girlfriend was home late after hanging out with the coven (the name they affectionately referred to their group), smelling of cigarette smoke.
I abhor smoking, and earlier in our relationship, I gave her an ultimatum to quit or lose me, which she complied with at that time but backslid because of the group of women who all smoked. I pressed her about the smoking, and she lied to my face, but the evidence was clear. This turned into a knock-down, drag-out argument that likely kept our upstairs neighbors awake.
Angry and hurt, she left to stay with Vo, slamming the door on her way out. I didn’t see her until the next evening when she was packing some of her things to stay at Vo’s again, leading to another fight, storming out, and another door slammed in my face.
I didn’t sleep well, unable to think about anything other than losing my relationship with a woman I loved. I called Vo’s home several times over the next few days, and each time, I was hung up on or got a busy signal.
I was miserable at work, more than normal, and when I stepped out for a break, I saw the coven outside taunting me with their chain smoking. I nearly launched into a verbal assault but didn’t want to risk losing my crappy job in case I needed to pay rent myself.
Instead, I turned to my car and stewed for ten minutes before heading back inside to finish my slow death by data entry. As I approached the door, Vo walked up with something between a smirk and a look of concern, she asked me if I’d be willing to meet up with her later to talk about things.
I asked if she meant my girlfriend and me, but she corrected, “No, just me this time.”
“Why? You’re trying to ruin my relationship.”
“I think you’re doing that all on your own, but let’s talk about it later.”
“I want to speak to my girlfriend.”
“I promise you will after we talk.”
“This is bullshit.”
“I know you’re angry, but I want to help.”
“Fine! Where?”
I debated going but decided to give Vo a chance. I was so furious over the conspiracy against me, I wasn’t sure I wanted the relationship anymore. Still, I arrived at the shop a few moments before Vo, and as she walked in, she surprised me with a hug.
She smiled knowing she caught me completely off-guard, I’m confident I looked like easy prey to this tigress as she attempted to pay for my drink. I protested, but Vo insisted since she invited me. Despite my heart being filled with rage and venom, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by how she handled the situation.
It was a balmy evening with a cool breeze, so we took our drinks and sat near the open patio. Vo sat in a comfy, overstuffed chair in desperate need of reupholstering. I sat on a wicker dining chair, which was not as comfortable but made me sit higher up, adding to my superiority complex.
“What is this about?” I asked fiercely, and before she could answer, “You’ve poisoned my girlfriend against me!” Loud enough that the people around us all looked at me with caution.
“Dave, if you can’t be calm, then there’s no need to have this conversation,” She was clearly in control.
I was outmatched, and I knew it. I dialed myself back and let her speak, although I had to bite my tongue several times throughout her speech. She talked about how others were upset about some of the things I say and, more importantly, how I treat my girlfriend.
I didn’t understand that last part because my girlfriend and I rarely spent time with the group as a couple. I could only assume my girlfriend was trash-talking me to her friends as they commiserate with her, creating a churning wheel of disappointment and anger in all of them.
I defended that she was only hearing one side of the conversation, and it wasn’t fair to support her without knowing how I felt about any of this.
“That’s why I’m here, Dave. I want to hear your side and share with you how you come across to others.”
I scoffed but was also curious what she meant, which set me up for the killing blow.
"Dave, you lack social grace."
I was instantly on my heels again, less tall in my chair and significantly less superior. I wasn’t sure I understood what she meant, but the phrase had punch.
“What does that even mean?” I questioned defiantly.
“It means you’re kind of an asshole in public settings.”
Had she said that last part first, I would have put shields up and been ready for a full-blown counterattack. Instead, “you lack social grace” from a thoughtful and intelligent southern woman even sounds graceful.
Shields down, completely off-guard, my entire demeanor changed in that moment. I began reevaluating my life in the seconds between our next words.
Author and master storyteller Matthew Dicks would call this a 5-second moment of transformation, where something happens in our lives, either subtle or profound, to change our trajectory through life.
I don’t remember much of the conversation after that, but her tone softened, as did mine. We talked for a while longer. I resolved to consider everything she shared and asked her and the other to refrain from inserting themselves so deeply into my relationship. She agreed, and we hugged again.
“Thanks for meeting me, Dave. You’re not a bad guy, and I hope we can still be friends.”
We became more friendly over time, but a year later, my girlfriend and I moved back to California and lost touch with all of them. Once home, she eventually found a new coven and started the drama all over again.
I chose to remove myself from the equation this time. I hated losing her, and it felt like a failure for a long time, but we weren’t meant to be together.
When I started dating again, I always had Vo’s words in my ear. I still put my foot in it now and then, but for nearly three decades, I’ve made it my goal to live with more grace, and now I get the chance to share that lesson with my son in hopes he finds his grace quicker than I.